Old Dog, New Tricks

I have started doing volunteer work three days a week in the campaign office of a good friend. Patrick Keenan-Devlin, who sang the psalm at Tim's funeral, is running for 18th District State Representative. If you're local, please check out his website, www.patrickforillinois.com. Patrick needed office help and I needed a way to fill my days and update my work skills. It's been great to have some place to go and the people I'm working with are fantastic. I started out offering to do data entry and have progressed to office manager, event coordinator and assistant treasurer.

Apparently, being married to a computer geek was good for something because I have picked up more about computers than many of the other volunteers in the office. Today I got to learn a new skill. I spent the better part of my day learning the ins and outs of mail merge. I'm so excited, because I figured it out all on my own. For a change, the help with the program was actually useful and I was able to do everything I was asked and more.

One of my biggest concerns these days is the long term financial security of my family. Having been out of the work force for over ten years, I worry a lot about finding a job that is rewarding and covers our expenses. It is very intimidating to have to step into Tim's shoes as the sole breadwinner for the family. It helps a little to have days like today where I did something truly useful.

Just One of Those Days...

Did you ever have one of those days when nothing quite turned out the way you hoped it would? I definitely had one of those days today. I went to a new hairdresser today and due to a miscommunication (her English is not the best) I ended up with brown lowlights in my hair instead of the red ones I prefer. (Don't laugh, guys, the ladies know how bad this is.) I tried to get in a little shopping, since I was already at the mall. Of course, everything I tried on either didn't fit, was dry clean only or cost so much that I couldn't even begin to think of buying it until it went on clearance in three months. So I gave up and went to get some lunch. My favorite lunch spot in the food court had closed, so I had to settle for a very average slice of pizza and a very average iced coffee. I headed over to church to do some volunteer work. Well, we'd forgotten one necessary item to do our job and we had to postpone the work until next week. Since I had extra time on my hands, I decided to stop at my favorite coffee shop on my way home to make up for my awful lunch. Running true to form, the coffee shop was out of my favorite scones. When I finally made it home, I found out that I missed an express mail delivery and will now have to make a trip to the post office tomorrow in addition to my other errands. To add insult to injury, we are having leftovers for dinner. Not exactly a stellar day. Anybody know how soon I can re-dye my hair without over-drying it?

Take Me Out to the Ballgame Part II

Last weekend the boys and I attended Northwestern's home opener against Towson University. The 'Cats rolled over Towson 47-17. Go Cats! We actually got our tickets for free through a promotion called the Wildcat 3.0 Club. My kids brought in their report cards will all A's and B's and received two tickets each. The game may have been was free, but the food certainly wasn't. I shudder to think how much we spent on food. It was also Northshore Community Day, where they allow the locals out onto the field after the game for pictures. Here the boys and I pose with Willie the Wildcat, the university mascot.

The boys really enjoyed goofing around on the field. Here they are getting set to run the forty yard dash with Theo's best friend Nick.

I must say that the grass was very impressive - thick, soft and green, with no weeds anywhere. Just as they were shooing us off the field, the lawn crew were bringing out the field vacuum. Yep, vacuum. Apparently, they vacuum the field after every game to pick up all the loose grass and help the crushed parts stand up again. Who knew?

We had a great time at the game, especially since Northwestern won. But a part of me was still sad inside. Going to a football game is yet another thing on that very long list of "Things We Used to Do With Daddy." It wasn't his favorite thing to do. Tim always felt that the games were too long, the seats too uncomfortable and the food too expensive. However, it was still a family tradition. Last year we went on Scout Day. The Cub Scouts got a block of tickets to the Northwestern - Michigan State game. The Cats lost that day - one of only four losses on the year. We didn't go to watch a win, though. We went to spend time together as a family. Tim was very big on family time. We're still big on family time only the family is a little smaller. As Stitch says, "This is my family. It is little and broken, but still good."

Good Memories

I sat down and watched our wedding video yesterday. I recently had the video converted from VHS tape to DVD but hadn't watched it yet. The kids were still home on summer break and my parents were still visiting. I wasn't sure how I would react to seeing video of Tim. I was afraid that I would break down completely and I wanted to be alone just in case. So Monday morning after I took the kids to school, I popped the DVD into the player and sat on the couch with my morning coffee prepared to bawl my way through the entire thing.

I watched the whole tape, which lasted over an hour and a half, and I didn't cry at all. What I did do was laugh - a lot. The quality of the picture and sound were not the best but it was good enough to remind me of who was there and what we did.

You know what we did? We had a great time! My dad actually shot a lot of video during the rehearsal dinner and the reception in addition to the video of the actually ceremony. So there was a lot of footage of relatives, some of whom, like Tim, are gone now, and friends, some of whom I haven't seen in many years. Here are three of my favorite moments from the video:

1. The Wet Trousers Look

Our rehearsal dinner took place at a restaurant on Lake Zumbro. We had our appetizers and cocktails out on the lake in the restaurant's two pontoon boats. Tim's nephew Jeremy was seated on the front of the boat with his feet in the water when another boat sped by in the opposite direction. As we crossed the wake, it splashed up onto the front of the pontoon, soaking Jeremy's pants.

2. The Singing Reception

At many receptions, the guests will tap their silverware against their glasses to encourage the bride and groom to kiss. At our wedding, the guests were required to stand up and sing a song with the word "love" in the lyrics before we would kiss. There are too many funny moments to list them all. One of the best involves all my male cousins performing an excellent version of "Blue Moon" complete with ding-a-dong-dings and Tim's brother Steven stepping in to help them with the words for the second verse.

3. Our Wedding Mass

Tim and I put a lot of thought into what readings and songs to include in our wedding liturgy. Luckily for us, there is a lot of musical talent in our families and our siblings provided us with beautiful music. One of the best musical moments, however, came not from our siblings but from Fr. Mark, who presided at the liturgy. The long time chaplain of our church, Fr. John Krump, had recently passed away. He liked to sing part of the Eucharistic prayer on special occasions. We asked Fr. Mark to sing this prayer at our wedding. He did a beautiful job. Hearing him sing was one of the high points of our day.

As I watched the video, I was reminded of how much I enjoyed celebrating our wedding with our family and friends. It was three days of love and joy and laughter, including and especially our wedding mass. It occurred to me that while it was a much sadder occasion, the two days of Tim's wake and funeral were likewise full of family and friends without whom the occasion would have been incomplete. So many people gave so generously of their time and talent to make Tim's funeral a beautiful celebration of his life. How fitting that our married life should begin and end with wonderful liturgies, the memories of which I will always cherish.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game!

Here we are, Mom, Brendan, Theo and Grandpa Bob, shivering in August at an unseasonably cool Cubs game. Some nice gentleman from Canada took our picture during the seventh inning stretch. This is the third summer we've been to a Cubs game with Grandpa. It's the first time the Cubs lost though. Guess we have to go back to seeing the Cincinnati Reds.


Even Theo and Brendan's rally caps couldn't help the Cubs that day. If you look closely, you'll see that Brendan is holding a stuffed animal. It is a Cursebreaker Goat. The boys got them several years ago at a church picnic. Brendan actually got his signed by Ryan Dempster last summer. The boys got offered money last year by another fan for their goats, but they just didn't want to part with them.
The Billy Goat Curse, of course, refers to the curse put on the Chicago Cubs by the owner of the Billy Goat Tavern, who was ejected from Wrigley Field along with his pet goat. The goat, apparently, did not make a good seat mate in the stands. There have been several attempts to break the curse, including bringing live goats back to Wrigley Field, but the Cubs still have yet to return to the World Series.

The Raven's Call

Tim and I have been very involved in Cub Scouts ever since Theo was in second grade. Tim was the cubmaster for five years until his last illness forced him to step down. Fall was our busy season as we were helping not just with our sons' dens but recruiting new scouts to keep the pack going strong. Every pack event usually ends with something called the Cubmaster's Minute, a time for the cubmaster to slip in a little moral or serious topic. Last fall at our recruiting meeting, Tim closed with a story called The Raven's Call by Robert James Challenger. It is based on a Canadian First Nation folk tale. I was looking at the story to send on to our friend Mark, who has taken over as Pack 85 Cubmaster. It occurred to me that this tale is the perfect response to my post "Taking Stock for the Journey." I want to share with you an edited version of that tale.

The Raven's Call

by Robert James Challenger

Mother and Father were paddling their boat when Raven called to them, "Where are you going?" Father said, "We are going to fish for Salmon." Raven said, "That is not what I meant. I meant where are you going with your life?" Father replied, 'I don't really know. We are always trying to find food for our family and to teach our children the lessons we have learned." Mother added, "We spend all our time just taking care of each other." Raven said, "It sounds to me like you do know where you are going. You have decided that your family is important to you. I know that whatever happens, you will be satisfied with where you end up because you have learned to make decisions based on what is truly important in all our lives, which is caring about others."

Taking Stock for the Journey

In the days since Tim's death, I have mentally divided our future into various sections. Some of those sections have passed very quickly. The wake and funeral was one piece that came and went almost before I'd had time to think about it. I've also dealt with death certificates, life insurance, social security and health insurance. In fact, most of the paperwork is either complete or well on its way to completion. I've even passed the first couple big milestones - the boys' first Father's Day without Tim and the first observance of our wedding anniversary without Tim. But now I've reached what I feel is a true fork in the road. My first real steps down a path that don't include Tim and it's a little scary. We have reached the end of summer vacation.

I think I mentally set aside this summer as a time apart. A time with no agenda and no rules. I allowed myself to drift, doing only what needed to be done and no more. Although I occasionally wish I had a job as a way to provide a little structure to my life at this time, I am generally very happy that I am not working and do not need to work for at least a little while. I have felt free to do whatever seemed right for the boys and me. I have focused on trying to make their lives feel normal and safe.

But summer is over now. We are entering into the season of soccer practices, band concerts and book reports. As the boys move into a new school year, I feel compelled to move on with my life. Yet I'm not sure what to do with myself. I am afraid to commit to activities outside my home and children because I worry that such commitments might interfere with my children's needs. I am afraid not to have outside commitments because without something pulling me out of myself, I might have too much time to sit alone on my couch and feel sorry for myself.

Up until this last illness of Tim's, I had a plan for my life. I felt that I knew where I was headed and how I was going to get there. I liked that plan. I wish I still had that plan. But it's gone, just like Tim. He took it with him when he died. I haven't made a new one yet. I'm not sure where I want to go and I sure as heck don't know how I'm going to get there.

A month ago, the Sunday gospel was the story of how Jesus sent his disciples out on a journey and only allowed them to take sandals and a walking stick. During his homily that Sunday, Fr. John spoke about having the faith to undertake a journey where your destination is unknown and you can't take anything with you. I think of that homily often, as I feel that I am on that sort of journey. I try to hold fast to the thought that God will provide for my journey and I will arrive safely at my destination.