Let The Sun Shine

This has been a completely miserable October. The weather man said that we have had rain on 20 of the last 27 days. If we get one more day of measureable rainfall, this will be the rainiest October on record here in Chicago. Normally, October is a beautiful month. The leaves around here have beautiful color - a lot of bright yellow, with plenty of bright red and and a couple of other colors for contrast. The days are getting shorter, but it's usually still warm out. In addition to the rain this month, we have been way below average with our temperatures. At least ten degrees below average. So being outside for soccer has been a cold, damp experience as opposed to a chance to enjoy the last warmth and sunshine before winter sets in.

My mood has matched the weather, it seems. The weather has been sad and gloomy and so have I. The hardest part of trying to move ahead with my life is not knowing how long the hurt is going to last. I am so afraid that a little bit of the hurt will never go away. Tim's birthday, our anniversary, the day of his death, those days will never be the same again - ever. Nor will any Christmas, Easter, graduation, wedding - the list is endless.

I am doing the best I can to let a little sunshine into our lives. We get together with friends regularly. We're planning our usual trip to Florida this spring to see Grandma and Grandpa. We're even hosting a Halloween Party this Saturday.

Let the sun shine...please.

For Weddings and a Funeral

In the last two days I have attended the first funeral and first wedding since Tim passed away. The wedding has been on my calendar for several weeks. I only found out about the funeral the day before. Both the wedding and the funeral were for members of Sheil, my religious community, which has been a great source of support and comfort to me.

The funeral was for Ed Mertz. Ed died one month shy of his 87th birthday. He was an elegant man with white hair and a very deep voice who greeted everyone with a smile. Ed lost his wife Grace to cancer the year Tim was first diagnosed with leukemia. It was sheer luck that I found out about Ed's death in time to attend his funeral. While those of us who were left behind will miss Ed, we also know that he died at peace with his life and looking forward to being reunited with his wife.

The wedding would not be recognized as such by many people, since it was a ceremony for two men. Will and Matt are dear friends with whom I have had the pleasure of singing every Sunday for many years. The ceremony was a beautiful statement of their love for one another. The reception was a lot of fun. I need a little more fun in my life, so I am grateful to Will and Matt for a great evening.

The Widow's Voice

You know how you're on a web page and you click on a link and that leads you to another link and so on? Well, today I ended up at a blog called the Widow's Voice. It's actually a collection of seven widows/widowers who are at various stages on their journey of love and loss. I love it. I have a couple friends who are widows. They are my talisman against the bad times. If they survived and made new lives, I can, too. This blog is a whole web site of such talismans.

www.widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com

Beth K, I want you know to that you were right, God moves in mysterious ways. Thank your friend for me. I found the link on her blog.

Who Ya Gonna Call?

Tim always used to say that he had a mind like a steel sieve. He had a terrible time memorizing things, but once he learned something he never forgot it. And once he learned something, he was prone to repeating it, often. The movie "Ghostbusters" clearly hit Tim at an impressionable time, because he had several favorite quotes from this movie. Ghostbusters was on TV the other night and somehow Brendan and I ended up watching the last half of it. We turned it on just as all the ghosts escaped from the containment field and started terrorizing New York. In one of the next scenes, Bill Murray is attempting to explain this to the mayor. "Dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!" Brendan laughed, not because the line is funny, but because he remembered Tim saying it. In the rest of the movie, we were treated to "Don't cross the streams," "Ray, this looks extraordinarily bad," and "Ray, when someone asks if you're a God...say 'Yes!'" Brendan clearly remembered Tim saying all of those at one point or another. I hope that both boys are old enough to retain those memories of their dad.

Old Dog, New Tricks

I have started doing volunteer work three days a week in the campaign office of a good friend. Patrick Keenan-Devlin, who sang the psalm at Tim's funeral, is running for 18th District State Representative. If you're local, please check out his website, www.patrickforillinois.com. Patrick needed office help and I needed a way to fill my days and update my work skills. It's been great to have some place to go and the people I'm working with are fantastic. I started out offering to do data entry and have progressed to office manager, event coordinator and assistant treasurer.

Apparently, being married to a computer geek was good for something because I have picked up more about computers than many of the other volunteers in the office. Today I got to learn a new skill. I spent the better part of my day learning the ins and outs of mail merge. I'm so excited, because I figured it out all on my own. For a change, the help with the program was actually useful and I was able to do everything I was asked and more.

One of my biggest concerns these days is the long term financial security of my family. Having been out of the work force for over ten years, I worry a lot about finding a job that is rewarding and covers our expenses. It is very intimidating to have to step into Tim's shoes as the sole breadwinner for the family. It helps a little to have days like today where I did something truly useful.

Just One of Those Days...

Did you ever have one of those days when nothing quite turned out the way you hoped it would? I definitely had one of those days today. I went to a new hairdresser today and due to a miscommunication (her English is not the best) I ended up with brown lowlights in my hair instead of the red ones I prefer. (Don't laugh, guys, the ladies know how bad this is.) I tried to get in a little shopping, since I was already at the mall. Of course, everything I tried on either didn't fit, was dry clean only or cost so much that I couldn't even begin to think of buying it until it went on clearance in three months. So I gave up and went to get some lunch. My favorite lunch spot in the food court had closed, so I had to settle for a very average slice of pizza and a very average iced coffee. I headed over to church to do some volunteer work. Well, we'd forgotten one necessary item to do our job and we had to postpone the work until next week. Since I had extra time on my hands, I decided to stop at my favorite coffee shop on my way home to make up for my awful lunch. Running true to form, the coffee shop was out of my favorite scones. When I finally made it home, I found out that I missed an express mail delivery and will now have to make a trip to the post office tomorrow in addition to my other errands. To add insult to injury, we are having leftovers for dinner. Not exactly a stellar day. Anybody know how soon I can re-dye my hair without over-drying it?

Take Me Out to the Ballgame Part II

Last weekend the boys and I attended Northwestern's home opener against Towson University. The 'Cats rolled over Towson 47-17. Go Cats! We actually got our tickets for free through a promotion called the Wildcat 3.0 Club. My kids brought in their report cards will all A's and B's and received two tickets each. The game may have been was free, but the food certainly wasn't. I shudder to think how much we spent on food. It was also Northshore Community Day, where they allow the locals out onto the field after the game for pictures. Here the boys and I pose with Willie the Wildcat, the university mascot.

The boys really enjoyed goofing around on the field. Here they are getting set to run the forty yard dash with Theo's best friend Nick.

I must say that the grass was very impressive - thick, soft and green, with no weeds anywhere. Just as they were shooing us off the field, the lawn crew were bringing out the field vacuum. Yep, vacuum. Apparently, they vacuum the field after every game to pick up all the loose grass and help the crushed parts stand up again. Who knew?

We had a great time at the game, especially since Northwestern won. But a part of me was still sad inside. Going to a football game is yet another thing on that very long list of "Things We Used to Do With Daddy." It wasn't his favorite thing to do. Tim always felt that the games were too long, the seats too uncomfortable and the food too expensive. However, it was still a family tradition. Last year we went on Scout Day. The Cub Scouts got a block of tickets to the Northwestern - Michigan State game. The Cats lost that day - one of only four losses on the year. We didn't go to watch a win, though. We went to spend time together as a family. Tim was very big on family time. We're still big on family time only the family is a little smaller. As Stitch says, "This is my family. It is little and broken, but still good."