Glory to God in the Highest

The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light;
upon those who dwelt in the land of gloom a light has shone.
You have brought them abundant joy and great rejoicing,
as they rejoice before you at the harvest,
as people make merry when devoiding spoils.

For the yoke that burdened them,
the pole on their shoulder,
and the rod of their taskmaster you have smashed,
as on the day of Midian.

-- Isaiah 9:1-3

Thank you to all our friends and family who have been a light in our year of darkenss. You have lightened our burdens with your care and love. I wish for you the song of the angels: "... and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests."

In Thanksgiving

I originally posted the following on July 13, one month after Tim died. I decided that I couldn't right anything more appropriate for Thanksgiving.

One of the things that Tim and I talked about oftern during his illness was how grateful we were for all the things that had gone right in our lives. We were grateful that Tim's employer, Northwestern University, had such good health benefits and a sick leave policy that allowed Tim to continue receiving his full paycheck throughout each occurrence of his cancer. We were grateful that we had chosen a lifestyle that allowed me to stay at home to care for Tim during his illness and care for our kids when he was well. We were extremely grateful that my mother was able and willing to come live with us each time Tim fell ill, often on no notice. Most of all, we were very grateful that our children were and continue to be healthy, smart, caring individuals.

Please take a minute today to count your blessings. If you are in good health, you are lucky. If you have a job and a place to live and food on your table, you are lucky. If you have people that care about you, you are indeed lucky. If you have even one of those things, you are lucky.

Tim's illness and death were terribly unlucky for him and for us. But even through all the bad times, I know how luck I am - I still have all those things. I am particularly blessed to have so many people that care for me and my boys and have been willing to show that care in so many ways. More than anything else, I am lucky to have my boys, of whom I have immensely proud. I hope that they will know how lucky they are to have Tim for a father.

Are You Done With Your Christmas Shopping?

I haven't even started Christmas shopping yet. My boys, however, have already purchased and wrapped my presents. How's that for precocious children? I wish I could take the credit. Our good friends Jen and Julian called today and offered to take the boys out shopping. Actually, they texted Theo and asked if he and his brother wanted to go out. After shopping, Theo went to see New Moon, but Brendan went to the Koh's and did the present wrapping. Apparently, Brendan has decided he really likes present wrapping. I offered to let him wrap all of Theo's presents. I'm sure he'd wrap his own, if I let him. Thanks, Jen and Julian, for helping my boys today.

What to Say Instead of "How Are You"

Hello.

It's good to see you.

What have you been doing lately?

What are the kids involved in these days?



Anything but "How are you?" Then I don't have to decided whether to lie to you and tell you I'm fine or tell you the truth.


I'm lonely.

I'm sad.

I'm scared.

I'm tired.

The Jar That Never Goes Empty

Today was widow day at church. The first reading today was the story of Elijiah and the Widow at Zarepath. Elijiah asks a widow for something to eat. She tells him that she has only a handful of flour in her jar and a little oil in her jug. Elijiah tells her to make him something anyway and then make something for herself and her son. He tells her that God has promised that her jar will not go empty or her jug run dry. The gospel was the story of the widow who gave her last two coins to the temple. Jesus tells his disciples that the widow gave more than many rich people who gave a lot of money.

Fr. Bob gave a wonderful homily, which I won't try to paraphrase here. I will mention one point. He suggested that these two readings were more about God challenging us to give of ourselves to those in need, which is a lot harder than giving money.

I was very moved by his homily. I continue to be blessed by the gifts of the many friends and family who reach out to me and the boys. I repeat for you my prayer from mass today:

In grateful thanksgiving for all of you who have made sure that my jar has never gone empty nor my jun run dry.

Let The Sun Shine

This has been a completely miserable October. The weather man said that we have had rain on 20 of the last 27 days. If we get one more day of measureable rainfall, this will be the rainiest October on record here in Chicago. Normally, October is a beautiful month. The leaves around here have beautiful color - a lot of bright yellow, with plenty of bright red and and a couple of other colors for contrast. The days are getting shorter, but it's usually still warm out. In addition to the rain this month, we have been way below average with our temperatures. At least ten degrees below average. So being outside for soccer has been a cold, damp experience as opposed to a chance to enjoy the last warmth and sunshine before winter sets in.

My mood has matched the weather, it seems. The weather has been sad and gloomy and so have I. The hardest part of trying to move ahead with my life is not knowing how long the hurt is going to last. I am so afraid that a little bit of the hurt will never go away. Tim's birthday, our anniversary, the day of his death, those days will never be the same again - ever. Nor will any Christmas, Easter, graduation, wedding - the list is endless.

I am doing the best I can to let a little sunshine into our lives. We get together with friends regularly. We're planning our usual trip to Florida this spring to see Grandma and Grandpa. We're even hosting a Halloween Party this Saturday.

Let the sun shine...please.

For Weddings and a Funeral

In the last two days I have attended the first funeral and first wedding since Tim passed away. The wedding has been on my calendar for several weeks. I only found out about the funeral the day before. Both the wedding and the funeral were for members of Sheil, my religious community, which has been a great source of support and comfort to me.

The funeral was for Ed Mertz. Ed died one month shy of his 87th birthday. He was an elegant man with white hair and a very deep voice who greeted everyone with a smile. Ed lost his wife Grace to cancer the year Tim was first diagnosed with leukemia. It was sheer luck that I found out about Ed's death in time to attend his funeral. While those of us who were left behind will miss Ed, we also know that he died at peace with his life and looking forward to being reunited with his wife.

The wedding would not be recognized as such by many people, since it was a ceremony for two men. Will and Matt are dear friends with whom I have had the pleasure of singing every Sunday for many years. The ceremony was a beautiful statement of their love for one another. The reception was a lot of fun. I need a little more fun in my life, so I am grateful to Will and Matt for a great evening.

The Widow's Voice

You know how you're on a web page and you click on a link and that leads you to another link and so on? Well, today I ended up at a blog called the Widow's Voice. It's actually a collection of seven widows/widowers who are at various stages on their journey of love and loss. I love it. I have a couple friends who are widows. They are my talisman against the bad times. If they survived and made new lives, I can, too. This blog is a whole web site of such talismans.

www.widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com

Beth K, I want you know to that you were right, God moves in mysterious ways. Thank your friend for me. I found the link on her blog.

Who Ya Gonna Call?

Tim always used to say that he had a mind like a steel sieve. He had a terrible time memorizing things, but once he learned something he never forgot it. And once he learned something, he was prone to repeating it, often. The movie "Ghostbusters" clearly hit Tim at an impressionable time, because he had several favorite quotes from this movie. Ghostbusters was on TV the other night and somehow Brendan and I ended up watching the last half of it. We turned it on just as all the ghosts escaped from the containment field and started terrorizing New York. In one of the next scenes, Bill Murray is attempting to explain this to the mayor. "Dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!" Brendan laughed, not because the line is funny, but because he remembered Tim saying it. In the rest of the movie, we were treated to "Don't cross the streams," "Ray, this looks extraordinarily bad," and "Ray, when someone asks if you're a God...say 'Yes!'" Brendan clearly remembered Tim saying all of those at one point or another. I hope that both boys are old enough to retain those memories of their dad.

Old Dog, New Tricks

I have started doing volunteer work three days a week in the campaign office of a good friend. Patrick Keenan-Devlin, who sang the psalm at Tim's funeral, is running for 18th District State Representative. If you're local, please check out his website, www.patrickforillinois.com. Patrick needed office help and I needed a way to fill my days and update my work skills. It's been great to have some place to go and the people I'm working with are fantastic. I started out offering to do data entry and have progressed to office manager, event coordinator and assistant treasurer.

Apparently, being married to a computer geek was good for something because I have picked up more about computers than many of the other volunteers in the office. Today I got to learn a new skill. I spent the better part of my day learning the ins and outs of mail merge. I'm so excited, because I figured it out all on my own. For a change, the help with the program was actually useful and I was able to do everything I was asked and more.

One of my biggest concerns these days is the long term financial security of my family. Having been out of the work force for over ten years, I worry a lot about finding a job that is rewarding and covers our expenses. It is very intimidating to have to step into Tim's shoes as the sole breadwinner for the family. It helps a little to have days like today where I did something truly useful.

Just One of Those Days...

Did you ever have one of those days when nothing quite turned out the way you hoped it would? I definitely had one of those days today. I went to a new hairdresser today and due to a miscommunication (her English is not the best) I ended up with brown lowlights in my hair instead of the red ones I prefer. (Don't laugh, guys, the ladies know how bad this is.) I tried to get in a little shopping, since I was already at the mall. Of course, everything I tried on either didn't fit, was dry clean only or cost so much that I couldn't even begin to think of buying it until it went on clearance in three months. So I gave up and went to get some lunch. My favorite lunch spot in the food court had closed, so I had to settle for a very average slice of pizza and a very average iced coffee. I headed over to church to do some volunteer work. Well, we'd forgotten one necessary item to do our job and we had to postpone the work until next week. Since I had extra time on my hands, I decided to stop at my favorite coffee shop on my way home to make up for my awful lunch. Running true to form, the coffee shop was out of my favorite scones. When I finally made it home, I found out that I missed an express mail delivery and will now have to make a trip to the post office tomorrow in addition to my other errands. To add insult to injury, we are having leftovers for dinner. Not exactly a stellar day. Anybody know how soon I can re-dye my hair without over-drying it?

Take Me Out to the Ballgame Part II

Last weekend the boys and I attended Northwestern's home opener against Towson University. The 'Cats rolled over Towson 47-17. Go Cats! We actually got our tickets for free through a promotion called the Wildcat 3.0 Club. My kids brought in their report cards will all A's and B's and received two tickets each. The game may have been was free, but the food certainly wasn't. I shudder to think how much we spent on food. It was also Northshore Community Day, where they allow the locals out onto the field after the game for pictures. Here the boys and I pose with Willie the Wildcat, the university mascot.

The boys really enjoyed goofing around on the field. Here they are getting set to run the forty yard dash with Theo's best friend Nick.

I must say that the grass was very impressive - thick, soft and green, with no weeds anywhere. Just as they were shooing us off the field, the lawn crew were bringing out the field vacuum. Yep, vacuum. Apparently, they vacuum the field after every game to pick up all the loose grass and help the crushed parts stand up again. Who knew?

We had a great time at the game, especially since Northwestern won. But a part of me was still sad inside. Going to a football game is yet another thing on that very long list of "Things We Used to Do With Daddy." It wasn't his favorite thing to do. Tim always felt that the games were too long, the seats too uncomfortable and the food too expensive. However, it was still a family tradition. Last year we went on Scout Day. The Cub Scouts got a block of tickets to the Northwestern - Michigan State game. The Cats lost that day - one of only four losses on the year. We didn't go to watch a win, though. We went to spend time together as a family. Tim was very big on family time. We're still big on family time only the family is a little smaller. As Stitch says, "This is my family. It is little and broken, but still good."

Good Memories

I sat down and watched our wedding video yesterday. I recently had the video converted from VHS tape to DVD but hadn't watched it yet. The kids were still home on summer break and my parents were still visiting. I wasn't sure how I would react to seeing video of Tim. I was afraid that I would break down completely and I wanted to be alone just in case. So Monday morning after I took the kids to school, I popped the DVD into the player and sat on the couch with my morning coffee prepared to bawl my way through the entire thing.

I watched the whole tape, which lasted over an hour and a half, and I didn't cry at all. What I did do was laugh - a lot. The quality of the picture and sound were not the best but it was good enough to remind me of who was there and what we did.

You know what we did? We had a great time! My dad actually shot a lot of video during the rehearsal dinner and the reception in addition to the video of the actually ceremony. So there was a lot of footage of relatives, some of whom, like Tim, are gone now, and friends, some of whom I haven't seen in many years. Here are three of my favorite moments from the video:

1. The Wet Trousers Look

Our rehearsal dinner took place at a restaurant on Lake Zumbro. We had our appetizers and cocktails out on the lake in the restaurant's two pontoon boats. Tim's nephew Jeremy was seated on the front of the boat with his feet in the water when another boat sped by in the opposite direction. As we crossed the wake, it splashed up onto the front of the pontoon, soaking Jeremy's pants.

2. The Singing Reception

At many receptions, the guests will tap their silverware against their glasses to encourage the bride and groom to kiss. At our wedding, the guests were required to stand up and sing a song with the word "love" in the lyrics before we would kiss. There are too many funny moments to list them all. One of the best involves all my male cousins performing an excellent version of "Blue Moon" complete with ding-a-dong-dings and Tim's brother Steven stepping in to help them with the words for the second verse.

3. Our Wedding Mass

Tim and I put a lot of thought into what readings and songs to include in our wedding liturgy. Luckily for us, there is a lot of musical talent in our families and our siblings provided us with beautiful music. One of the best musical moments, however, came not from our siblings but from Fr. Mark, who presided at the liturgy. The long time chaplain of our church, Fr. John Krump, had recently passed away. He liked to sing part of the Eucharistic prayer on special occasions. We asked Fr. Mark to sing this prayer at our wedding. He did a beautiful job. Hearing him sing was one of the high points of our day.

As I watched the video, I was reminded of how much I enjoyed celebrating our wedding with our family and friends. It was three days of love and joy and laughter, including and especially our wedding mass. It occurred to me that while it was a much sadder occasion, the two days of Tim's wake and funeral were likewise full of family and friends without whom the occasion would have been incomplete. So many people gave so generously of their time and talent to make Tim's funeral a beautiful celebration of his life. How fitting that our married life should begin and end with wonderful liturgies, the memories of which I will always cherish.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game!

Here we are, Mom, Brendan, Theo and Grandpa Bob, shivering in August at an unseasonably cool Cubs game. Some nice gentleman from Canada took our picture during the seventh inning stretch. This is the third summer we've been to a Cubs game with Grandpa. It's the first time the Cubs lost though. Guess we have to go back to seeing the Cincinnati Reds.


Even Theo and Brendan's rally caps couldn't help the Cubs that day. If you look closely, you'll see that Brendan is holding a stuffed animal. It is a Cursebreaker Goat. The boys got them several years ago at a church picnic. Brendan actually got his signed by Ryan Dempster last summer. The boys got offered money last year by another fan for their goats, but they just didn't want to part with them.
The Billy Goat Curse, of course, refers to the curse put on the Chicago Cubs by the owner of the Billy Goat Tavern, who was ejected from Wrigley Field along with his pet goat. The goat, apparently, did not make a good seat mate in the stands. There have been several attempts to break the curse, including bringing live goats back to Wrigley Field, but the Cubs still have yet to return to the World Series.

The Raven's Call

Tim and I have been very involved in Cub Scouts ever since Theo was in second grade. Tim was the cubmaster for five years until his last illness forced him to step down. Fall was our busy season as we were helping not just with our sons' dens but recruiting new scouts to keep the pack going strong. Every pack event usually ends with something called the Cubmaster's Minute, a time for the cubmaster to slip in a little moral or serious topic. Last fall at our recruiting meeting, Tim closed with a story called The Raven's Call by Robert James Challenger. It is based on a Canadian First Nation folk tale. I was looking at the story to send on to our friend Mark, who has taken over as Pack 85 Cubmaster. It occurred to me that this tale is the perfect response to my post "Taking Stock for the Journey." I want to share with you an edited version of that tale.

The Raven's Call

by Robert James Challenger

Mother and Father were paddling their boat when Raven called to them, "Where are you going?" Father said, "We are going to fish for Salmon." Raven said, "That is not what I meant. I meant where are you going with your life?" Father replied, 'I don't really know. We are always trying to find food for our family and to teach our children the lessons we have learned." Mother added, "We spend all our time just taking care of each other." Raven said, "It sounds to me like you do know where you are going. You have decided that your family is important to you. I know that whatever happens, you will be satisfied with where you end up because you have learned to make decisions based on what is truly important in all our lives, which is caring about others."

Taking Stock for the Journey

In the days since Tim's death, I have mentally divided our future into various sections. Some of those sections have passed very quickly. The wake and funeral was one piece that came and went almost before I'd had time to think about it. I've also dealt with death certificates, life insurance, social security and health insurance. In fact, most of the paperwork is either complete or well on its way to completion. I've even passed the first couple big milestones - the boys' first Father's Day without Tim and the first observance of our wedding anniversary without Tim. But now I've reached what I feel is a true fork in the road. My first real steps down a path that don't include Tim and it's a little scary. We have reached the end of summer vacation.

I think I mentally set aside this summer as a time apart. A time with no agenda and no rules. I allowed myself to drift, doing only what needed to be done and no more. Although I occasionally wish I had a job as a way to provide a little structure to my life at this time, I am generally very happy that I am not working and do not need to work for at least a little while. I have felt free to do whatever seemed right for the boys and me. I have focused on trying to make their lives feel normal and safe.

But summer is over now. We are entering into the season of soccer practices, band concerts and book reports. As the boys move into a new school year, I feel compelled to move on with my life. Yet I'm not sure what to do with myself. I am afraid to commit to activities outside my home and children because I worry that such commitments might interfere with my children's needs. I am afraid not to have outside commitments because without something pulling me out of myself, I might have too much time to sit alone on my couch and feel sorry for myself.

Up until this last illness of Tim's, I had a plan for my life. I felt that I knew where I was headed and how I was going to get there. I liked that plan. I wish I still had that plan. But it's gone, just like Tim. He took it with him when he died. I haven't made a new one yet. I'm not sure where I want to go and I sure as heck don't know how I'm going to get there.

A month ago, the Sunday gospel was the story of how Jesus sent his disciples out on a journey and only allowed them to take sandals and a walking stick. During his homily that Sunday, Fr. John spoke about having the faith to undertake a journey where your destination is unknown and you can't take anything with you. I think of that homily often, as I feel that I am on that sort of journey. I try to hold fast to the thought that God will provide for my journey and I will arrive safely at my destination.

Moms vs. Dads

I went out for drinks this Wednesday with some of the other moms from Brendan's grade. We picked our destination for its Wednesday night drink specials and really good desserts. Each mom had one fancy martini and we split an extremely large order of extremely good bread pudding. We swapped stories about the kids' new teachers, about our kids and about each other. We left the restaurant at 10:00pm in time to meet the summer bedtimes of our ten year old boys.

I happened to be included in a more spontaneous invitation to go out on Saturday night. This was with a group of dads from Brendan's grade. The destination was our neighborhood bar, chosen for its proximately to all our homes. We consumed several rounds (!) of drinks and, as the bar has no kitchen, had a large sausage and mushroom pizza delivered to the bar. We swapped jokes, discussed and dissed the Bears and shared a few personal stories that I certainly won't repeat but definitely won't forget, either. The evening ended about midnight because I threatened to turn into a pumpkin, not because the dads were ready to call it quits. I am beginning to discover that as the only parent of two boys, my universe is expanding in truly unexpected directions.

My thanks to both the moms and the dads for two wonderful evenings, each in its own unique way.

The Family That Plays Together

The boys and I spent last week in Wisconsin Dells with my parents and my brother's family. In case you haven't heard of it, the Dells (as they are called around here) are famous as the Waterpark Capital of the World. Yes, you have to capitalize it. About an hour northwest of Madison, Wisconsin, the Dells have been a regional tourist attraction since the 19th century thanks to the efforts of a local photographer, H.H. Bennet. You may be more familiar with the story of nearby Lake Delton, the lake that disappeared into the Wisconsin river last summer after record rainfalls caused the lake break its banks. The breach was fixed in record time so that Lake Delton could be refilled by the start of the summer season so crucial to the local economy.

This is the Trojan Horse go-kart track at Mt. Olympus Water and Theme Park. Yes, the track goes through the horse. In the background, you can see the roller coaster Hades. Named after the Greek god of the underworld, this roller coaster actually starts inside the park, goes under the parking lot (in the dark) and comes up by road you see here. Personally, I find the whole underground in the dark at almost seventy miles an hour pretty scary. I did it once, but wouldn't do it again.

The park has a half dozen large go-kart tracks. There's even one called Poseidon that goes under a man made pond. Get it? Poseidon, god of the sea? Here's Brendan driving for all he's worth. He had to hug the steering wheel to reach the gas pedal, but he out drove me on at least one occasion. The last time we were here was the summer before Tim got sick the first time. Brendan was too short to drive these cars, so he and Daddy drove together.

Yes, this is Grandma driving a go-kart. The boys and I drove every track at least once. The boys even went back to the park with their uncle for Park in the Dark and drove go-karts and rode roller coasters until 1:30 in the morning!

Speaking of their uncle, here he is on the swing ride with his daughter, Erin. The park had a number of rides that were just the right size for my niece. She even went on her first roller coaster ride. Her mom said that she would have ridden the little roller coaster all afternoon if she didn't like the lazy river in the water park almost as well.

I don't have a water proof camera, so this picture of the bumper boats is the only picture of the water park end of our vacation. I actually ran into friends from Chicago on the lazy river! The park had wave pool that offered a nine-foot tidal wave. Grandpa took some pictures that he assures me are of Theo and Brendan, but all I see is foaming water so I haven't included them here.

Here's a picture of Grandpa and Theo on an Original Wisconsin Duck. We took an hour Duck ride through the forest, onto the Wisconsin River, up the creek, across the road, into Lake Delton with a big splash and back through the forest to our starting point right across from the go-karts. Ducks were originally WWII amphibious landing vehicles. They are now amphibious tourist traps.

All in all, it was a great way to end the summer. We were hot and covered in sticky sunscreen except when we were in the water park and then we were wet and cold. Now we're back in town and getting ready for school, which starts next week. Hope your end of summer is just as good.

A Weekday in the Country

My cousin Dan, his wife Wendy and their three boys live on a small farm just south of Madison, Wisconsin. We spent an afternoon with them earlier this week on our way to Wisconsin Dells for a short vacation. This is their barn, which houses the rabbits (six fancy spotted ones), the cats (around two dozen at last count) and the horses (six, including two Percherons) in bad weather. In good weather, the horses have an outdoor corral complete with a shade tree that has a low branch just perfect for use as a horse back scratcher.

Wendy is an avid gardener. This is one of the sunflowers from her garden. We were treated to the vegetables from her garden for lunch. We had zucchini, squash and fresh sweet corn! Our contribution was brats from the store. We even had Sterzings potato chips. Turns out Dan had a bag he'd been saving for a special occasion. What are Sterzings? Only the best potato chips ever! We're not biased, either, even though another cousin, Craig, makes them. See www.sterzings.com for more information.

Dan and Wendy live in a beautiful valley. The view from the back porch is just maginificent. We were there on a bright, sunny day. The wind was blowing just enough to make sitting outside quite comfortable. While we were waiting for the brats to cook, the adults sat on the porch and watched the kids play with the cool toys - motorized vehicles. Theo rode their ATV and Brendan rode the go-kart while their cousin Ryan rode the motorcycle.

After a few training laps around the horse corral, they set off over the fields. Lucky for our boys, Dan had cut the hay last week, which meant the boys could range all over the fields that were normally full of hay for their horses. My city boys had a great time playing with their country cousins. Thanks, Dan and Wendy, for a lovely afternoon. Now that we've found the farm, we'll come back soon.

What's It Take to Get a Little Help

Since health insurance is such a big topic on the national scene these days, I thought I'd share my health insurance story. In terms of covering our medical expenses, our health coverage has been fantastic. We belong to an HMO, so our out-of-pocket medical expenses have been extremely low. It's a bit of a hassle to go through the primary care physican to get referrals for specialists, but since everything's computerized, it's not that big a deal. We pay a small co-pay for doctor visits and slightly larger co-pays for surgical procedures and hospital stays. Even with all of that, our bills have been very low. I am glad that we're not in a PPO plan. If we had to pay ten percent of Tim's medical bills, we'd probably be facing bankruptcy.

My only complaint is the way doctor bills are handled. In an HMO, doctor's bills are paid by the medical group unless the bills are for "catastropic care." Hospital bills are by definition catastrophic and go straight to the insurance company, so no problem there. Cancer is definitely catastrophic. So bills for Tim's care are sent from the doctor to the medical group, who marks them catastropic and forwards them to the insurance company. Something always seems to go wrong on the journey from the medical group to the insurance company. The bills get rejected by the insurance company (or not even received) and the doctors wonder why they're not being paid. They start to send me nasty letters. Solving this problem requires REPEATED phone calls to the medical group and to the insurance company. Eventually the bills are properly marked catastrophic, faxed to the right department in the insurance company and paid. I have had this problem every time Tim relapsed with leukemia. My complaint is that every phone call to the insurance company takes close to an hour and requires at least a fifteen minute explanation to the random customer service agent who takes my call. I asked repeatedly for a case manager only to be informed that my insurance company does not assign case managers to individuals.

Several weeks after Tim passed away, I received a condolence card from the insurance company. It was signed by Leah and included her direct line, along with the words, "If you have any questions about Tim's health coverage, please contact me." Well, I decided to see if Leah meant what she said. She did. Leah is now my case manager. She works for the parent company of my insurance company. She has helped me resolve at least three outstanding bills, one of which was for $25,000! So now I know how to get a case manager from my insurance company: die!

Missing Tim

I have missed Tim a lot this past week. Things have been very quiet at my house. My parents were back in Florida, Theo was away at scout camp in Wisconsin and Brendan spent most of the day at circus camp. That left a lot of time to fill. Now don't get me wrong, I have a lot of things that need to get done. Most of them fall into the "clean" category - clean the hall closet, clean the kitchen cupboard, clean my desk drawers. The rest of my to-do list is also a sort of cleaning - cleaning up after Tim's death - clean out Tim's clothes, clean up the tool room, clean up my computer network (yikes!). Not exactly entertaining. Not surprisingly, I managed to avoid doing any of those things this week. I spent as little time as possible doing what needed to be done and spent the rest of the time missing Tim.

I don't miss everything about Tim. For example, I don't miss sharing the bed at night. I like having the whole bed to myself, as well as all the pillows. However, I do miss waking up to a friendly face. I don't miss sharing closet space. No more stuffing out of season clothes in a box in the basement. I do miss sharing space on the couch while watching tv. I don't miss Tim's opinion when it comes to decorating - when he had one. But I really miss his opinion on how to raise our children.

It helps to keep busy. I've been out to lunch and had folks in for dinner. It helps to make plans. I have five separate to-do lists on my computer and at least one in my head. It helps to distract myself with things like shopping, making friends on Facebook and writing this blog. I've been told (by others who have been in my shoes) that given enough time, things get better. I'm sure they're right. I'm just trying to hold on till that time comes.

A Camping We Will Go

Last weekend Brendan and I made our last trip to Cub Scout Camp Lakota. We had an amazing weekend. We really started off on a high note when we learned that our pack had scored the closest campsite to the bathrooms! Things got better when we learned that there were only 37 scouts (and about 30 adults) at camp that weekend. Normally there are between 75 and 100 scouts (plus almost as many adults) at camp. Fewer scouts meant more chances with the BB guns, the archery, the climbing wall and less competition for seconds at meals!

Most of the boys from our pack were also from Brendan's den. That meant that the boys and the parents were old hands at Camp Lakota. The boys knew the routine and enjoying being the "big boys" at camp. The parents enjoyed not having to watch over their kids every single second. Besides the guns and the archery, the big hit this year was the human Foosball game. The boys just had a blast with that one. Even the parents took a turn in the human Foosball course.

The only damp spot in our weekend was the thunderstorm on Friday. The camp rents out the Harvard pool on Friday night for the scouts to go swimming. Harvard has a very nice pool. Both the staff and the boys really look forward to the swimming. It started raining about 5pm. We weren't terribly worried as we've been swimming in the rain before. However, the lightning started right as they let us in the pool. In fact, Brendan had just completed a flip off the diving board as the lifeguard spotted the lightning. He came up to the sound of whistles and the lifeguards clearing everyone out of the pool.

Other than Friday's rain, we had beautiful weather. The temperatures around here have been exceptionally cool this summer and last weekend was no exception. Although it was warm in the sun, there was enough of a breeze and plenty of shade to keep us comfortable most of the time. It was a fabulous way to end our summer campouts at Lakota. Perhaps Tim arranged the weather for us. We certainly couldn't have had a better time. Thanks to the camp staff and our fellow campers from Pack 85 for a great weekend.

The 40th Anniversary of Apollo 11

Monday, July 20, 2009, was the 40th anniversary of Apollo 11's arrival on the moon. It was also my 18th wedding anniversary. I really didn't want to spend the evening by myself so I decided to do something I've always wanted to do - throw a moon party. I invited two of Brendan's good friends and their families over for dinner. All the food was round - meatballs, whole new potatoes and peas and onions. We had Tang to drink, of course. The adults took our Tang as Cosmonauts (Tang with orange vodka). The decorations were gold and silver stars. The party store had this really cool table skirt with long silver fringe. I used aluminum foil for the table cloth then dressed it up with the fringed skirt. Brendan helped me make a moon related play list on i-tunes. We had "Fly Me to the Moon" and "Kiko and the Lavender Moon" and "Moon River" among many others. The boys played outside with light sticks and the adults sat inside and talked. It was great to spend the evening in the company of good friends. Planning for the party, cooking and cleaning up kept me from dwelling on the fact that Tim wasn't there to share the day with us. There is never a day when I am not sad at some point. Some days I am very sad indeed. But thanks to my friends, I actually had a good time on my anniversary. Thanks, guys.

A Life of Adventure

On Sunday, July 19, Theo boarded a bus for the MaKaJaWan Scout Camp in Pearson, Wisconsin. Pearson is a lot northwest of Green Bay and a little southeast of Rhinelander, if you're familar with Wisconsin. That puts it 300 miles and six hours away from Chicago. The nearest hospital is in Antigo, about half an hour's drive from camp. I know this because last year I was one of the camp chaperones and made the drive into Antigo very late one night with a scout who had a knife accident.

Theo and his best friend Nick will be at camp until August 1. The camp provides them with an old-fashioned A-frame platform tent. They sleep under mosquito netting, since the tents only tie closed. The boys have to keep all their gear under their cots. The tents are very dark, even during the day, so it can be a challenge to find clean clothes. Of course, finding clean clothes isn't necessarily a priority at scout camp. I did give Theo a few packing tips that he does admit have worked out well.

Theo's been keeping in touch via text message as well as with a few phone calls. The first week he finished his Lifesaving merit badge as well as the Pioneering and Fish & Wildlife management merit badges. This week he's learning Sailing, Horsemanship and Basketry. The weekend was a little slow and I think Theo got a little homesick. He even agreed to go to church the day after he gets back. Now that the second week is in full swing, however, he is busy enough not to miss us quite so much.

Tomorrow will be Wet Wednesday at camp. Wet Wednesday is the day the swimming folks jump in the water with all their clothes on, the lifesaving folks race to take all their clothes off and the boating folks swamp their canoes and kayaks and turtle their sailboats. Today was Theo and Nick's first day on the water in their sailboat. I guess they were practicing for tomorrow because Theo told me that they ended up in the water seven times.

If you would like to see some photos of MaKaJaWan, check out the Northeast Illinois Council website, www.neic.org, and click on the link for MaKaJaWan. Theo's troop is in Commanche campsite in East Camp.

Friends, Family and a Funeral

We have been keeping busy this week with friends, family and a funeral. On Tuesday, we went out to dinner with Michael and Betchie Robotham and their kids. Michael was one of Tim's groomsmen at our wedding. They now live in Hawaii, but are back in the Midwest this summer visiting family and looking at colleges for their oldest son. We went out for some Chicago style stuffed pizza, which you apparently can't get in Honolulu. I forgot to bring my camera, but Betchie had hers. Send me a copy of your pictures, please, Betchie.

On Wednesday, we went to my cousin Kim's house. She has two boys the same age as Theo and Brendan. They also have a trampoline and BB guns and really cool pedal go-carts, which we lack at our house. My boys consider themselves deprived. I consider myself lucky. Once again, I was without my camera. But Kim took some pictures, which I hope she'll send me. (Hint, hint.)

As for the funeral, one of our two gerbils passed away this week. As the average lifespan of a gerbil is three years and Butter was at least three and a half, he lived a good life. Funeral arrangements for Butter are still pending. The boys are already lobbying for new pets. Current requests include a turtle and a dog. Mom is taking all such requests under advisement.

One Month

Today it has been one month since Tim died.

One of the things that Tim and I talked about often during his illness was how grateful we were for all the things that had gone right in our lives. We were grateful that Tim's employer, Northwestern University, had such good health benefits and a sick leave policy that allowed Tim to continue receiving his full paycheck throughout each occurrence of his cancer. We were grateful that we had chosen a lifestyle that allowed me to stay at home to care for Tim during his illness and care for our kids when he was well. We were extremely grateful that my mother was able and willing to come live with us each time Tim fell ill, often on no notice. Most of all, we were very grateful that our children were and continue to be healthy, smart, caring individuals.

Please take a minute today to count your blessings. If you are in good health, you are lucky. If you have a job and a place to live and food on your table, you are lucky. If you have people that care about you, you are indeed lucky. If you have even one of those things, you are lucky.

Tim's illness and death were terribly unlucky for him and for us. But even through all the bad times, I know how lucky I am - I still have all those things. I am particularly blessed to have so many people that care for me and my boys and have been willing to show that care in so many ways. More than anything else, I am lucky to have my boys, of whom I am immensely proud. I hope that they will know how lucky they are to have Tim for a father.

Sunday in the Park with Kohs

We went to a concert in the park this afternoon with Jen and Julian Koh. They are the couple on the ground behind Theo. Brendan is in the yellow chair with his back to the picture. Julian had a better angle:

We went to hear the Illinois Brass Band at Malinckrodt Park in Wilmette. Here they are in the gazebo at the park:

I enjoyed the music. The boys simply wanted to know when they could go over to the Kohs and play with their pet degus. What's a degu? A degu is a small rodent native to Chile - think designer gerbil. Anyway, the boys spent a couple hours at the Kohs while I went to the grocery store. Thanks, Julian and Jen, for the free entertainment and the break.

Circus of the Rock Stars

Every camp at the park district has family night where the kids get to show off what they've been doing. Brendan has been attending Circus Camp and tonight was family night. So Theo and I (and Uncle Michael, Aunt Christina, Erin and Josh) went to the Rock Star Circus. Brendan did globe walking, clowning and cloud swing (a kind of silk trapeze). The picture (courtesy of Denyse) is Brendan in the cloud swing.

It is not the first thing we have done without Tim, but one of the first. It is sad to think of all the things that Tim will miss now that he is no longer a part of our lives. I know that he wanted to be around for all the future circuses and soccer games and so on. We wanted him to be here, too. I have mentioned to the boys on more than one occasion throughout Tim's illness that sometimes there is no why, there just is. Tim's death just is. What is important for us now is not what happened, but what we do with it. So we go to the fireworks and the circus without Tim, because those things are still a part of our life, even if Tim can't be here to share them.

Circus camp has been great for Brendan. He has had a lot of fun in a safe environment where people are looking out for him. It's given him an escape from his sadness and a routine for his days. Brendan got to join the circus without having to run away to do so - how lucky is that?

Keep Calm and Carry On

On the back of my bedroom door there is a bright red poster. It says, in big, white letters,

KEEP CALM

AND

CARRY ON

My good friend, Mary Deeley, who also happens to be Brendan's godmother and who also happens to be a chaplain at our church, gave me a copy of this poster during Tim's final illness.

You can read a brief history of this poster at www.keepcalmandandcarryon.com/pages/history.

Anyway, Mary and I decided that it was a perfect motto for my life at that time.

It still is a great slogan for life. Here I am, a newly widowed mother of two boys ages 10 and 13, trying to navigate my way (our way) through a place we never wanted to be. But the only way to get through this time and on to somewhere better is to keep calm and carry on.