The Raven's Call

Tim and I have been very involved in Cub Scouts ever since Theo was in second grade. Tim was the cubmaster for five years until his last illness forced him to step down. Fall was our busy season as we were helping not just with our sons' dens but recruiting new scouts to keep the pack going strong. Every pack event usually ends with something called the Cubmaster's Minute, a time for the cubmaster to slip in a little moral or serious topic. Last fall at our recruiting meeting, Tim closed with a story called The Raven's Call by Robert James Challenger. It is based on a Canadian First Nation folk tale. I was looking at the story to send on to our friend Mark, who has taken over as Pack 85 Cubmaster. It occurred to me that this tale is the perfect response to my post "Taking Stock for the Journey." I want to share with you an edited version of that tale.

The Raven's Call

by Robert James Challenger

Mother and Father were paddling their boat when Raven called to them, "Where are you going?" Father said, "We are going to fish for Salmon." Raven said, "That is not what I meant. I meant where are you going with your life?" Father replied, 'I don't really know. We are always trying to find food for our family and to teach our children the lessons we have learned." Mother added, "We spend all our time just taking care of each other." Raven said, "It sounds to me like you do know where you are going. You have decided that your family is important to you. I know that whatever happens, you will be satisfied with where you end up because you have learned to make decisions based on what is truly important in all our lives, which is caring about others."

Taking Stock for the Journey

In the days since Tim's death, I have mentally divided our future into various sections. Some of those sections have passed very quickly. The wake and funeral was one piece that came and went almost before I'd had time to think about it. I've also dealt with death certificates, life insurance, social security and health insurance. In fact, most of the paperwork is either complete or well on its way to completion. I've even passed the first couple big milestones - the boys' first Father's Day without Tim and the first observance of our wedding anniversary without Tim. But now I've reached what I feel is a true fork in the road. My first real steps down a path that don't include Tim and it's a little scary. We have reached the end of summer vacation.

I think I mentally set aside this summer as a time apart. A time with no agenda and no rules. I allowed myself to drift, doing only what needed to be done and no more. Although I occasionally wish I had a job as a way to provide a little structure to my life at this time, I am generally very happy that I am not working and do not need to work for at least a little while. I have felt free to do whatever seemed right for the boys and me. I have focused on trying to make their lives feel normal and safe.

But summer is over now. We are entering into the season of soccer practices, band concerts and book reports. As the boys move into a new school year, I feel compelled to move on with my life. Yet I'm not sure what to do with myself. I am afraid to commit to activities outside my home and children because I worry that such commitments might interfere with my children's needs. I am afraid not to have outside commitments because without something pulling me out of myself, I might have too much time to sit alone on my couch and feel sorry for myself.

Up until this last illness of Tim's, I had a plan for my life. I felt that I knew where I was headed and how I was going to get there. I liked that plan. I wish I still had that plan. But it's gone, just like Tim. He took it with him when he died. I haven't made a new one yet. I'm not sure where I want to go and I sure as heck don't know how I'm going to get there.

A month ago, the Sunday gospel was the story of how Jesus sent his disciples out on a journey and only allowed them to take sandals and a walking stick. During his homily that Sunday, Fr. John spoke about having the faith to undertake a journey where your destination is unknown and you can't take anything with you. I think of that homily often, as I feel that I am on that sort of journey. I try to hold fast to the thought that God will provide for my journey and I will arrive safely at my destination.

Moms vs. Dads

I went out for drinks this Wednesday with some of the other moms from Brendan's grade. We picked our destination for its Wednesday night drink specials and really good desserts. Each mom had one fancy martini and we split an extremely large order of extremely good bread pudding. We swapped stories about the kids' new teachers, about our kids and about each other. We left the restaurant at 10:00pm in time to meet the summer bedtimes of our ten year old boys.

I happened to be included in a more spontaneous invitation to go out on Saturday night. This was with a group of dads from Brendan's grade. The destination was our neighborhood bar, chosen for its proximately to all our homes. We consumed several rounds (!) of drinks and, as the bar has no kitchen, had a large sausage and mushroom pizza delivered to the bar. We swapped jokes, discussed and dissed the Bears and shared a few personal stories that I certainly won't repeat but definitely won't forget, either. The evening ended about midnight because I threatened to turn into a pumpkin, not because the dads were ready to call it quits. I am beginning to discover that as the only parent of two boys, my universe is expanding in truly unexpected directions.

My thanks to both the moms and the dads for two wonderful evenings, each in its own unique way.

The Family That Plays Together

The boys and I spent last week in Wisconsin Dells with my parents and my brother's family. In case you haven't heard of it, the Dells (as they are called around here) are famous as the Waterpark Capital of the World. Yes, you have to capitalize it. About an hour northwest of Madison, Wisconsin, the Dells have been a regional tourist attraction since the 19th century thanks to the efforts of a local photographer, H.H. Bennet. You may be more familiar with the story of nearby Lake Delton, the lake that disappeared into the Wisconsin river last summer after record rainfalls caused the lake break its banks. The breach was fixed in record time so that Lake Delton could be refilled by the start of the summer season so crucial to the local economy.

This is the Trojan Horse go-kart track at Mt. Olympus Water and Theme Park. Yes, the track goes through the horse. In the background, you can see the roller coaster Hades. Named after the Greek god of the underworld, this roller coaster actually starts inside the park, goes under the parking lot (in the dark) and comes up by road you see here. Personally, I find the whole underground in the dark at almost seventy miles an hour pretty scary. I did it once, but wouldn't do it again.

The park has a half dozen large go-kart tracks. There's even one called Poseidon that goes under a man made pond. Get it? Poseidon, god of the sea? Here's Brendan driving for all he's worth. He had to hug the steering wheel to reach the gas pedal, but he out drove me on at least one occasion. The last time we were here was the summer before Tim got sick the first time. Brendan was too short to drive these cars, so he and Daddy drove together.

Yes, this is Grandma driving a go-kart. The boys and I drove every track at least once. The boys even went back to the park with their uncle for Park in the Dark and drove go-karts and rode roller coasters until 1:30 in the morning!

Speaking of their uncle, here he is on the swing ride with his daughter, Erin. The park had a number of rides that were just the right size for my niece. She even went on her first roller coaster ride. Her mom said that she would have ridden the little roller coaster all afternoon if she didn't like the lazy river in the water park almost as well.

I don't have a water proof camera, so this picture of the bumper boats is the only picture of the water park end of our vacation. I actually ran into friends from Chicago on the lazy river! The park had wave pool that offered a nine-foot tidal wave. Grandpa took some pictures that he assures me are of Theo and Brendan, but all I see is foaming water so I haven't included them here.

Here's a picture of Grandpa and Theo on an Original Wisconsin Duck. We took an hour Duck ride through the forest, onto the Wisconsin River, up the creek, across the road, into Lake Delton with a big splash and back through the forest to our starting point right across from the go-karts. Ducks were originally WWII amphibious landing vehicles. They are now amphibious tourist traps.

All in all, it was a great way to end the summer. We were hot and covered in sticky sunscreen except when we were in the water park and then we were wet and cold. Now we're back in town and getting ready for school, which starts next week. Hope your end of summer is just as good.

A Weekday in the Country

My cousin Dan, his wife Wendy and their three boys live on a small farm just south of Madison, Wisconsin. We spent an afternoon with them earlier this week on our way to Wisconsin Dells for a short vacation. This is their barn, which houses the rabbits (six fancy spotted ones), the cats (around two dozen at last count) and the horses (six, including two Percherons) in bad weather. In good weather, the horses have an outdoor corral complete with a shade tree that has a low branch just perfect for use as a horse back scratcher.

Wendy is an avid gardener. This is one of the sunflowers from her garden. We were treated to the vegetables from her garden for lunch. We had zucchini, squash and fresh sweet corn! Our contribution was brats from the store. We even had Sterzings potato chips. Turns out Dan had a bag he'd been saving for a special occasion. What are Sterzings? Only the best potato chips ever! We're not biased, either, even though another cousin, Craig, makes them. See www.sterzings.com for more information.

Dan and Wendy live in a beautiful valley. The view from the back porch is just maginificent. We were there on a bright, sunny day. The wind was blowing just enough to make sitting outside quite comfortable. While we were waiting for the brats to cook, the adults sat on the porch and watched the kids play with the cool toys - motorized vehicles. Theo rode their ATV and Brendan rode the go-kart while their cousin Ryan rode the motorcycle.

After a few training laps around the horse corral, they set off over the fields. Lucky for our boys, Dan had cut the hay last week, which meant the boys could range all over the fields that were normally full of hay for their horses. My city boys had a great time playing with their country cousins. Thanks, Dan and Wendy, for a lovely afternoon. Now that we've found the farm, we'll come back soon.

What's It Take to Get a Little Help

Since health insurance is such a big topic on the national scene these days, I thought I'd share my health insurance story. In terms of covering our medical expenses, our health coverage has been fantastic. We belong to an HMO, so our out-of-pocket medical expenses have been extremely low. It's a bit of a hassle to go through the primary care physican to get referrals for specialists, but since everything's computerized, it's not that big a deal. We pay a small co-pay for doctor visits and slightly larger co-pays for surgical procedures and hospital stays. Even with all of that, our bills have been very low. I am glad that we're not in a PPO plan. If we had to pay ten percent of Tim's medical bills, we'd probably be facing bankruptcy.

My only complaint is the way doctor bills are handled. In an HMO, doctor's bills are paid by the medical group unless the bills are for "catastropic care." Hospital bills are by definition catastrophic and go straight to the insurance company, so no problem there. Cancer is definitely catastrophic. So bills for Tim's care are sent from the doctor to the medical group, who marks them catastropic and forwards them to the insurance company. Something always seems to go wrong on the journey from the medical group to the insurance company. The bills get rejected by the insurance company (or not even received) and the doctors wonder why they're not being paid. They start to send me nasty letters. Solving this problem requires REPEATED phone calls to the medical group and to the insurance company. Eventually the bills are properly marked catastrophic, faxed to the right department in the insurance company and paid. I have had this problem every time Tim relapsed with leukemia. My complaint is that every phone call to the insurance company takes close to an hour and requires at least a fifteen minute explanation to the random customer service agent who takes my call. I asked repeatedly for a case manager only to be informed that my insurance company does not assign case managers to individuals.

Several weeks after Tim passed away, I received a condolence card from the insurance company. It was signed by Leah and included her direct line, along with the words, "If you have any questions about Tim's health coverage, please contact me." Well, I decided to see if Leah meant what she said. She did. Leah is now my case manager. She works for the parent company of my insurance company. She has helped me resolve at least three outstanding bills, one of which was for $25,000! So now I know how to get a case manager from my insurance company: die!

Missing Tim

I have missed Tim a lot this past week. Things have been very quiet at my house. My parents were back in Florida, Theo was away at scout camp in Wisconsin and Brendan spent most of the day at circus camp. That left a lot of time to fill. Now don't get me wrong, I have a lot of things that need to get done. Most of them fall into the "clean" category - clean the hall closet, clean the kitchen cupboard, clean my desk drawers. The rest of my to-do list is also a sort of cleaning - cleaning up after Tim's death - clean out Tim's clothes, clean up the tool room, clean up my computer network (yikes!). Not exactly entertaining. Not surprisingly, I managed to avoid doing any of those things this week. I spent as little time as possible doing what needed to be done and spent the rest of the time missing Tim.

I don't miss everything about Tim. For example, I don't miss sharing the bed at night. I like having the whole bed to myself, as well as all the pillows. However, I do miss waking up to a friendly face. I don't miss sharing closet space. No more stuffing out of season clothes in a box in the basement. I do miss sharing space on the couch while watching tv. I don't miss Tim's opinion when it comes to decorating - when he had one. But I really miss his opinion on how to raise our children.

It helps to keep busy. I've been out to lunch and had folks in for dinner. It helps to make plans. I have five separate to-do lists on my computer and at least one in my head. It helps to distract myself with things like shopping, making friends on Facebook and writing this blog. I've been told (by others who have been in my shoes) that given enough time, things get better. I'm sure they're right. I'm just trying to hold on till that time comes.